June 26, 2020

It's been a hard week emotionally.   Julian and I are in Kentucky and we are doing PT/OT as often as they can get us in, but we are missing home a lot.  My parent's 50th anniversary party was this past weekend and it killed me for Julian and I not to be there.  Today, was. another blow when I thought I had a caregiver that would come to stay with Julian for the 2nd half of July, but she told me today she wasn't going to be able to.  Not that I wanted to leave Julian, but I miss my other kids so much.  I'm missing being their mom, and they are having to grow up faster than they should have to with all of this.  Today was like the straw that broke the camel's back.   The flood gates have opened.  It's good to just get it out and then get my shit back together and get back to being strong for everyone.  I just don't feel like anything goes our way.  Nothing as planned happens, and we have to literally fight and claw for everything.  It would be nice if something would go in our favor.  We have just sacrificed so much to make this happen.  We essentially are paying for a second home, being apart, and figuring out how to run our business and manage to take care of 2 kids with minimal help at home.  I posted a meme today that had "Everything happens for a reason" with a line through it, then said " Some things are really really shit and they never should have happened."  There is no good reason for this and no lessons to be learned.  Just the cruelest of situations.  

I did get a message from Lisa Dawkins who was the EMT that took care of Julian the night of the accident.  I want to be able to save it for Julian to be able to read one day.  It was very special and to come on a bad day brought more tears but for a different reason.

Lisa: I’ve never stopped watching you all and praying for you. Seeing Julian on the treadmill made me weep and gave my mind and soul what I needed to go to work tonight with hope. God is good. God is able. Praise His Holy Name !! Stay strong my sister. You are an amazing inspiration to us all. Thank you. My best to Julian. He makes my heart smile.

Me: Thank you so much. Notes like these give me strength when I feel like I have no more to give.

I arrived to scene same time you did. I wanted to help so bad but so glad he had you to be with him. I give thanks to you that god places you there to care for him. We both knew how bad it was on the way to hospital but you were so calm and just tried to keep Julian and me calm. It literally was the night of nightmares and I’m sure you see it more than I would like but you were amazing and I will never forget you!

Lisa:  I LisaYou are, and will continue to be, my hero. You were a champion that dreadful night. Your exceptional calm and selfless demeanor quickly let me know that your presence would not compromise Julian’s care. That is not usually the case. It’s excruciating to have to refuse a parent’s request to ride in the back but we often have to. I also knew that as a nurse, you knew how badly he was injured, and it would have been easier, emotionally, for me to not have to witness and empathize with your anguish. But we are moms. And moms do what is best for their children no matter the cost. You so obviously subverted your needs and emotions and comforted Julian while even participating in his care. Julian needed you but so did I. I will never forget your astounding presence and resolve. By God’s grace, I believe Julian will be a revolutionary force for good. Feeling so blessed to get to witness his progress in this latest chapter. Please tell him we’re praying for him and proud of him, And tell him we think his momma is pretty awesome too!

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