July 15, 2024


 A surprising sadness that has come with the fall out of spinal cord injury and its effect on our lives is how those closest to me have responded.  I’ve always tried to be a nurturer and someone that people can come to for support.  When I need it most, it seems no one is there but 1 consistent person.  I’ve even told at least 5 people that I have been struggling significantly and feel like those words just get left hanging in the air without actions that I would have provided my closest or even a stranger when presented with the same wording something more than “I’m sorry”.   It makes me question relationships and people in my life.  I don’t need a pat on the back, but simply time from others occasionally.  I feel so alone to deal with this life and at times it is so overwhelming I question if it is worth it.  I used to feel like this feeling was selfish and an easy way out.  It still is selfish because what would be left would burden the ones, I’ve been trying to protect for the last 3 years but can at least understand the circumstances people are faced to make an outlook appealing.  In my uncomplicated life before it was easy to cast judgement.  I have no judgement any longer.  Life can be so hard and messy and further devastating when those closest to you can turn a blind eye to those that are hurting.  

 

When people ask, “what can I do?”  It’s not really an open-ended question.  It comes with limitations or their own wants, desires, and priorities.  It is eye opening to see where you fit into those priorities.  I thought I had “planted seeds and helped them grow” better than what has been produced from my relationships.  I have tried to be the easiest daughter, daughter in law, sister-in-law, friend, and my sadness is only amplified when I see what they choose over someone in a desperate cry for help.  

 

I have done what I can out of the need for people since Julian has been hurt and it is not easy to pack him up and travel to family.  I do it because family has always been my number one priority.  I have gone to Atlanta 4 times in 7 months and other times to my parents and very little reciprocal actions.  I have been a good friend to those around me and have 1 friend left that tries to get me out of the house to meet me for lunch or dinner and just have some girl time outside of my responsibilities.  

 

I’m just at a loss.  Life really is something that this is what my 47 years has produced in terms of relationships.  

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