Thoughts about life and loss

 June, 14, 2024


I've become quite the cyinic post accident.  It's hard not to when life dealt the hand that it has dealt.  I see sadness at every corner or my day.  Support groups are full of the struggles of daily life of patients and families affected by spinal cord injury.  We are at the beginning of a very long unending journey that is full of complications and pain (physically and emotionally), just like a ticking time bomb until something happens.  Who knew this would be the hand we have been dealt.  Chris and I got married, spent time making ourselves better people.  We both are smart and educated and then dreamed of our family.  Doing everything right in life leaves no guarantees for a happy ending.  My life is one that no one other than those enduring this could understand.    Again, leave it to Gray's anatomy to help with life.  When the topic of profound sadness and tragedy was discussed, it talked about how unfair the world is and how broken it is   God didn't spare people from tragedy and sadness, and I guess we are no different.  God doesn't gurantee us that if we follow all the rules then we will have a happy ending.  When faced with so much hardship, its natural to think of what we did to deserve it.  I've heard several times that you can't  trust faith of those that have not been tried.  It's the cyinical part in me to listen to people tell me about God and faith that have never been truly tested to this degree, and if we can go through this storm and still have faith in God is truly special.  The show stated that faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believe when things are good.  Terrible and devastating things happen and we will never know the WHY.  Unimaginaable pain is different than lack of faith.  Others that have experienced tragic moments in life have written books about how God made it better.  I believe that I can have faith in God but still not believe that this injury is God's will and Julian's paralysis would be part of his goodness and part of his greater purpose.  One book stated that God's plan may differ from our expectations, but they are always for our ultimate good.  That there still could be miracles outside of the sadness.  I believe that while God can provide strength to process the daily life, it doesn't elimate the sadness that comes with the loss and suffering.  Well meaning advice to find strength in God, can sometimes come accross as dismissive or hurtful.  Witnessing others expressions of faith and joy in the midst of my own sorrow can lead to feel more isolated and alone.  That I will be judged for my feelings and how I am tackling life.  It's easy to give advice from the sidelines, but I am the only one doing this life on a daily basis.  It's just me, Chris, and the kids to truly live this path.  We are "fit" into others schedules when it fits others lives and not when it is what we need to not feel alone.  I think that is one of the most surprising outcomes is how alone we feel.  Time is not a friend to those in a chronic life altering situation.  Help and companionship is not present, and people believe the outward appearances as the truth.  If family and friends really knew how broken we still truly are would it really alter what they do to help?  


I sought advice from the bible on suffering and loss and found the following verses:  

  1. Psalm 34:18 (NIV): "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse reminds us that even in our deepest moments of grief, God is near to us and offers us His comfort and support.

  2. Matthew 5:4 (NIV): "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Jesus's words in the Sermon on the Mount offer assurance that those who mourn will find comfort, a promise of solace in the midst of sorrow.

  3. Psalm 23:4 (NIV): "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." This passage from Psalm 23 speaks to the reassurance of God's presence and protection, even in the darkest times of our lives.

  4. Isaiah 41:10 (NIV): "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." This verse offers encouragement and strength, reminding us that God is with us and will support us through our trials.

  5. Romans 8:28 (NIV): "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This verse reminds us that even in the midst of our suffering, God is working for our good and has a purpose for our pain.

  6. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV): "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." This passage highlights God's role as the source of comfort in our times of trouble, and encourages us to share that comfort with others.

  7. Revelation 21:4 (NIV): "‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." This verse offers a vision of hope for the future, where God will ultimately bring an end to suffering and sorrow.

These verses offer reassurance that God is present with us in our grief, offering comfort, strength, and hope for the future. Turning to scripture for guidance and inspiration can be a source of solace and peace during difficult times. (Thank you AI)

My question remains If God is the healer of the brokenhearted, offering hope and restoration to those who are hurting, how can that comfort me when my son's body will not be restored in the physical sense?  The answers given to me was to Hold onto hope for the future, even in the face of uncertainty. Trust that God is working in your life and your son's life, even when the path forward seems unclear. Your journey may not be easy, but with faith and perseverance, you can find strength and purpose in the midst of adversity.


Every day is truly effort but I will keep putting in the effort for my family.  









Lilly making JV cheer
Lilly and Alex's last day of 9th grade

Braves game


Zach Bryan concert with Jess



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