Birthdays

 April 14, 2024

Feeling the need to inject a bit of positivity into the mix, especially amidst life's recent challenges. Birthdays have come and gone for all the kids over the past couple of months. It's surreal to realize that Julian is no longer a teenager—he's turned 20! It's a milestone that makes me pause and wonder how time flies so fast. And then there are the twins, now 15, which is equally hard to wrap my head around. Life after the accident seems like a whirlwind, and seeing how much they've grown only emphasizes that.

Julian, in particular, remains the beacon of light in our family. He's the one who keeps smiling, always striving to make life brighter for everyone else, even when facing his own struggles. He will put on a happy face despite his struggles to make life better for those around him.  There's a lot we can learn from him—how to love more deeply and stay positive, even when life throws its toughest challenges our way. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to remind people that their worriest pale in comparison to what we've been through. Living with and witnessing true struggle every day is a reality we know all too well and so many should be thankful that their struggles are much less and not life defining, but could be changed with effort.  

Julian's greatest desire seems to be companionship—friends and family who fill the house with laughter and joy. But as life moves on, visits have become less frequent. It's a natural part of growing up, I suppose, but I can't help wishing for a constant stream of visitors for him. That's what would truly make him happy right now. 

The twins hitting 15 is a significant milestone here in South Carolina. They've had to grow up faster than most kids their age, especially with me being away so much in the aftermath of Julian's accident. They've had to learn to fend for themselves, cooking dinners when Chris and I couldn't be there, relying on friends for rides to practices. Our extended family had their own lives to return to, leaving us to navigate the storm on our own. I try to make up for lost time with them every single day, but it's a journey.

On their birthday, I couldn't help but reflect on their birth and the challenges we've faced as a family. Sometimes, I find myself questioning why we've had to endure so much pain and hardship. Why did Alex and Lilly have to fight for their lives from the very beginning? Why did Julian have to face such immense challenges at just 17? The answers elude me, and perhaps they always will. But what I do know is that the fighting spirit runs deep within all my children. From Alex and Lilly's premature birth to Julian's ongoing battle post-accident, they've shown incredible resilience in the face of adversity.  As a mom that has had to witness this fight in ALL 3 of her children is something that is the worst thing possible to experience.  I would have gladly taken their fight for them, but for some unknown reason this was the hands that God dealt us.  

I often find myself grappling with the question of why certain things happen, especially when they seem so unjust or unfair. It's difficult to comprehend why God allows good and innocent people to suffer. I have tried to seek comfort in my faith but it still is an internal struggle how I can believe that God thought to make my children bear this heavy weight through life. I flip between the need to remain close to God and to be angry. It's usually alone in my car that I listen to music to remind myself that God is good, but also have a hard time being in church without crying for everything that has been lost. I understand life isn't fair, and sometimes bad things happen to good people everyday. As a nurse, I've seen this over and over and contine to always question the why. Most tell us that this will lead to Julian's purpose in life. I pray that through this pain, a purpose will reveal itself and it will be worth the pain in the end, yet remains almost impossible to believe that any purpose could come from the immense sadness we've endured. I pray there is a greater plan to this life other than the daily suffering we all experience.

Until such a day that answers reveal themselves we'll continue to face whatever challenges come our way with the same determination and strength. My strength comes from my 3 kids that show me strength everyday. I am determined to wake up everyday for them because they deserve a mom that will fight for them the same way they've shown their fight for life. That's the one thing I'm certain of amidst all the uncertainty.