Can't sleep

 April 27, 2023

    Julian and I just drove back to Kentucky last night (7 hours ago).  Never thought I would be so comfortable driving a huge van back and forth across many states every couple of weeks.  So thankful as I drive to our home away from home that we have found a nice place to live.  It makes leaving our home and family a little easier to come to a nice apartment and an area I feel safe in by myself.  I think being alone is one of the biggest changes Julian and I have had to adjust to over the last 1.5 years.  It was made worse from Covid to physically be alone most of the time, and now that Julian and I are living in another state away from everyone.  We both used to love our friends and family time and thrive on people interaction.  It is another thing that SCI has taken from both of us.  It is very isolating, physically and mentally.  Physically, we can't just jump in the car and go on a trip, see friends or family without extensive planning.  It takes me almost 24 hours to pack and get ready for a trip.  I have to take so many things that aid in Julian's personal care for the regular and the "what ifs".  When we get home, we tend to also close ourselves away from everyone.  I'm not sure if we are protecting ourselves or if it has just become our norm now.  This past 2 weeks home, I tried to make myself interact and get out of the house.  Sadly, its strange to be at work, and be with my friends.  It's hard to see people just "being happy".  It's weird to hear myself laugh, like its a foreign sound to me now.  I have great friends who haven't given up on trying to see me smile and laugh again like the Jenn I was before.  Julian has friends that still come by and sit for a couple hours and he gets to be a normal 19 year old boy.  I always wonder if I will ever be happy again, if Julian will be?  Everyday is hard, and a fight that we fight alone.  








Daniel's baby Grayson came over for a visit.  
Girl friendships are so helpful to me.  This is a small number of the friends that make sure I'm doing ok on a daily basis.  They call me and make me get out into life.  Goal is to make me smile, they support me on the days they know I'm having a hard time.  

When you have children, I loved being home with my kids and Chris and I always figured out how to maximize my home time, and we balanced our schedules to take care of our kids by ourselves.  It's funny because almost 20 years later, it's still just us balancing our schedules and our lives to take care of our kids without help.  Not to say I wouldn't LOVE help, but lives move on and not necessarily in my direction all the time.  This really is the time too that I feel like they need me more than ever.  Having teenagers isn't easy.  Being away makes it hard on them and me.  People look at these pictures of the smiles and assume life is peachy but it's anything but, its hard, messy, sad, struggle everyday, but it helps others to feel better to think this is what life looks like at home all the time.  


The first time we have spent the night at the beach since Julian was hurt.  This has been our vacation spot for 17 years.  Was nice to have a change of scenery.  To walk on the beach.


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