Mamma Bear

 While we were at Richland for 10 days, the Chapin community rallied around our family.  We had only lived in Chapin for 3 years, and part of that during covid quarantine.  There were go fund me set up by one of my best friends in Connecticut who became a source of strength during the hardest days of my life.  Friends from near and far reached out and prayed, sent food, sat with me at the hospital, called me, and loved Julian.   Chapin had fundraisers at local restaurants, and Higher Ground where he worked planned a big fundraiser.   His friends at school, came to visit us at the house, planned other fundraisers and called to check on him frequently.   During these 10 days at Richland, he was diagnosed with a severe spinal cord injury resulting in a high tetraplegia (quadraplegic).  He was only able to shrug his shouldars.   Short of death, this was the worst case senerio.  So hard to look at his perfect body without even a scratch, and know he could not move anything.  Our family was all at our house to help in any way they could.  Alex and Lilly were well taken care of.  Julian ended up having a second surgery in this time to place a trach, peg tube for feeding and a new device called a diagphragmatic pacer.   This device would help stimulate his diaphragm to breathe if he was unable to ween off the vent.  It was placed as a "in case" but the doctors at Richland really didn't think he was going to be able to breathe on his own again.  Next step was to address rehabilitation.  Family called in all favors and we got Julian's chart to the right people at Shepherd Center in Atlanta.  They have an ICU that can take transfers on vents.   Ironically, in nursing school, I did a clinical rotation at Shepherd and it left me with lifelong memories of the patients I took care of there.   I had no idea that my son would one day need to be there for such an injury.  Julian was accepted and transfer was arranged.   The only bad thing was this was at the height of covid.  Once I arrived to stay with Julian, I would be unable to leave.  That meant that I would not be able to see Chris and the kids for an undetermined timeframe.  It was so scary to be dropped off and to enter not knowing when I would see my family again, or to have the support from others.   Covid took away personal connections with others that during such a tragedy would have been my lifeline.  Thank goodness a family friend worked at Shepherd and met me on arrival and took me to Julian's room.  Julian was still intubated and on a ventilator.  The ICU room was a room with glass walls with just a curtain.  I had a chair to sleep in, although not much sleep occured in the 3 days we were in the ICU.  Julian was not in a good frame of mind.  He was awake and very much scared and aware of the gravity of the situation.  He was unable to communicate due to the tube in his throat.  Reading lips was very hard and he would get very frustrated.  He spoke of wanting to die often which broke my heart.  I cried many tears over the days and was the most helpless I have ever felt.   As a mom and nurse, I am a fixer.  I have always know how to fix problems up to this point and now I was in uncharted territory.  My nursing skills were not equiped to what Julian was facing.  My knowledge of pregnancy and delivering a baby were useless to me now.  Everything I wanted to forget after nursing school were coming back to haunt me.  I was on a steep learning curve of all things SCI so that I could be the best advocate for Julian.  I had to be his voice when he did not have one.  We listened to  our "church music" all the time.  This was the only thing that could bring his anxiety down.  It was sureal to watch him mouth the words of the songs and close his eyes and calmness came over him.  On my first night in the ICU, alone and afraid, another mom came to my room.  Her son, Britt, had been in Julian's room just a few days prior.   She offered me her room to shower, food, and most importantly we just hugged in the middle of ICU late at night.  She knew what I was feeling, and the mutual understanding was exactly what I needed.  We bonded instantly.  Without our husbands to help comfort and talk to she became my lifeline.  Kristen will forever be family, and hold a very important part in my life.  After 3 days we were transferred to the adolescent floor to Room 421 which would be our home for the next 3 months.