Mamma Bear

 Facebook post from Jenn on November 12th, 2021

The hardest thing about being home is driving by this stupid tree every day. Who would think something like this could rob Julian of a life he knew. It makes me so sad and I drive a little slower around this turn every time. My mind can't help but go to that night and think about what must have happened or me waiting for Julian to get out of the car. I don't know how I knew, but as soon as I looked at him on Life 360 stop moving toward home, my stomach dropped, I tried to calm down so that Julian didn't get upset when I went to find him for just 5 min of being late. I waited about 10 min and then told Chris I was going to find him. As soon as I opened the garage I heard a siren and knew I had to go to him, I really didn't think twice that it was Julian as I ran down the street before I saw his car. He knew I was a little neurotic about knowing where he was, but I think that night he was thankful that Chris and I were there waiting on him (and would have been down at the car helping if allowed). I never dreamed that I would actually would need to use it for such a night, but thankful for it.

I feel like I've been with Julian for most of the past 3 months so my reactions might be delayed. I went to "nurse mode" so fast and my only focus was doing what Julian needed me to, to be a strong advocate for him. Being home without him, and doing "normal" things is so hard. I constantly look for him in every BMW I pass on the road. I always think of where he would be when I'm planning my day and picking up the twins. I hate that he's not enjoying his senior year with his friends, going to dances and parties, working at his job, and planning for college next year. I hate that we just put up our Christmas tree without him. He was always my fluffer with me. I know about the grieving process but have never really had to live it. I'm mad and sad at the same time. Chris and I are trying to educate our selves as much as we can so that we can do everything in our power to give Julian the best life we can. We know we can't "buy" our way out of this but we are going to try for anything that has the slightest possiblity of helping him. We believe fully in the PT/OT he has gotten at shepherd. Watching them do their thing is something to see. I admire all medical people for their training and expertise, and will forever be thankful for Chris and Lindsey. There is no doubt without them, Julian more than likely wouldn't be doing as well as he is. They know about the spine and how to maximize the results from the damage to the cord. Being a nurse practitioner, teacher, and a nurse its so crazy that this injury alludes medicine at this time. There is no "cure". I feel like science is amazing and what we have done is astonishing, but there is so much to learn still about how to fix patients like Julian. I pray for more research, insight, and dedicated people to pour into this injury. Julian still has a lifetime to live and hope he is able to live it as full as possible. I was strong when he was not, and now he is the strong one when I am down. He does give me strength to see how positive, spiritual, and determined he is to get better. His personality has not changed one bit, he is still chatty and talks to everyone about everything. I know we can't go back and change our path, but driving the 1.4 miles home from the accident is heartbreaking. He was so close to being safe at home. Hug your kids tonight and I will do the same. Say the "I love yous" everytime they leave, and hug them tight.